I had an interesting dream the other night. It was this prestigious music audition and everyone was trying to be accepted into this amazing symphony. We were told the piece we were all to play was 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. Of course, that is a very simple selection for such an important audition, but we weren't going to ruin our chances of acceptance by pointing that out to our judges, and we certainly weren't going to take it upon ourselves to play something other than the appointed piece. Everyone ahead of me played the familiar tune and did so flawlessly.
When my turn came, I made my way to the music stand on the stage and began to play the childhood melody, but became confused when I noticed the piece on the stand was different from what I was expected to play. I tried to reconcile the two melodies, but found it was impossible to do so. I questioned everything at the point: had everyone else just ignored the sheet music? Were they too scared to play what was right in front of them? Were they just trying to do as they were told and refused to even look at the written notes? What exactly was I supposed to be doing? It became clear very quickly that I had to make a choice - do what was expected and what everyone else had done, or choose to play the music in front of me. I woke up before I saw the choice I made.
I would love to say I played the music on the stand, but from what I saw, it was a bunch of boring whole notes tied to half notes with long rests in a chain that seemed to go on indefinitely. Who wants to play something that just drags? But then, who wants to be like everyone else? Sound like everyone else? No, that's not appealing in a universe where GOD made everyone unique. But how scary is it to diverge from the accepted path, the familiar song, especially when every note is being weighed and judged?
Sometimes we find ourselves in that place where the norm is no longer good enough. What worked in the past will no longer be acceptable, and what everyone else does is not what we should be doing. It's that kind of challenge that stretches us and takes us up to that next level. And I think GOD is gracious enough to stretch us with whole notes rather than requesting "Flight of the Bumblebee" on our first solo trek into the realm of new things. (Plus, holding when we want to burst ahead grows trust on HIM, our conductor, to take us to the right place at the right time.)
I am pondering all of this as I am sidelined to my easy chair after knee surgery. Talk about a holding pattern! I am frustrated and want to go, but being forced to wait for the right time. Guess I needed to learn this lesson twice. (Hmpph!) And rest!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
From IF to SURELY
I CANNOT get away from this topic in my mind!!!
A little over a month ago I was reading about Jesus' Crucifixion. Now, I have this quirk in which I can't read about the sacrifice on the cross in one chapter and leave the next chapter (the Resurrection) for the next day. I am a happy person who likes happy endings, and I want them NOW! I don't like lengthy suffering. But this time when I read about the suffering, the sacrifice, the pain, and the agony, I was interrupted and didn't get back to this for THREE WHOLE DAYS!! The OCD in me was in overdrive by the time I picked my Bible up again.
But those three days gave me a lot of time to really digest what I had read; time to really meditate on the fullness of this incredible and world-changing act. And because of this time, I gained some wisdom that I had never let fully develop before because I was always in such a hurry to get to the happy.
While on the Cross, Jesus was mocked. The people said things like 'You think You're so great - save Yourself!' and 'If You were really the Son of GOD you would come down from there!' (Not from any literal translation and the emphasis on the 'if' is mine). Then the church leaders got in on the mocking action. "HE saved others, but can't save HIMself! Let GOD save HIM, if HE even wants HIM!" (Again, the 'if' emphasis is mine).
After this we see Jesus utterly alone and forsaken. Even HIS Father GOD has turned away. Then HE dies.
In that moment, where all hope is gone, darkness reigns, and it seems evil has won, we see the power of the hand of GOD. From the NIV it says, "At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."
It was in that moment of pain, loss, and power that the centurion who had mocked Jesus was compelled by something greater than himself to utter, 'Surely, HE was the Son of GOD!'
HE was moved from IF to SURELY in the moment when all of GOD's power seemed impotent. When all of GOD's plans, HIS promises, HIS potential was hanging dead on the cross was the very moment when an onlooker was moved from a place of if and maybe to a place that was a rock-solid, definite, I-know-this-for-certain surely.
How many times have you been in a place of loss? And, though I hate to ask, how many times in that tough place have people questioned the power of GOD in your life? Maybe you've even questioned it yourself. "If You are real then why am I suffering?" "If You really loved me I wouldn't be here right now!" "Maybe I'm just not good enough for HIM to care what I am going through."
Let me point out that it was this point of suffering that released GOD's power. It wasn't the Resurrection that shook the earth, split rocks, or raised the dead. It was Jesus' death that did all that! And it was HIS death that moved hearts to that 'surely' place where GOD is GOD no matter what!
I guess this will end with a challenge...in your suffering, look for GOD's hand to move. Expect it. Anticipate it. And stand strong and wait for it. For surely, in GOD's world, there is power in suffering and life to be found in death.
A little over a month ago I was reading about Jesus' Crucifixion. Now, I have this quirk in which I can't read about the sacrifice on the cross in one chapter and leave the next chapter (the Resurrection) for the next day. I am a happy person who likes happy endings, and I want them NOW! I don't like lengthy suffering. But this time when I read about the suffering, the sacrifice, the pain, and the agony, I was interrupted and didn't get back to this for THREE WHOLE DAYS!! The OCD in me was in overdrive by the time I picked my Bible up again.
But those three days gave me a lot of time to really digest what I had read; time to really meditate on the fullness of this incredible and world-changing act. And because of this time, I gained some wisdom that I had never let fully develop before because I was always in such a hurry to get to the happy.
While on the Cross, Jesus was mocked. The people said things like 'You think You're so great - save Yourself!' and 'If You were really the Son of GOD you would come down from there!' (Not from any literal translation and the emphasis on the 'if' is mine). Then the church leaders got in on the mocking action. "HE saved others, but can't save HIMself! Let GOD save HIM, if HE even wants HIM!" (Again, the 'if' emphasis is mine).
After this we see Jesus utterly alone and forsaken. Even HIS Father GOD has turned away. Then HE dies.
In that moment, where all hope is gone, darkness reigns, and it seems evil has won, we see the power of the hand of GOD. From the NIV it says, "At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."
It was in that moment of pain, loss, and power that the centurion who had mocked Jesus was compelled by something greater than himself to utter, 'Surely, HE was the Son of GOD!'
HE was moved from IF to SURELY in the moment when all of GOD's power seemed impotent. When all of GOD's plans, HIS promises, HIS potential was hanging dead on the cross was the very moment when an onlooker was moved from a place of if and maybe to a place that was a rock-solid, definite, I-know-this-for-certain surely.
How many times have you been in a place of loss? And, though I hate to ask, how many times in that tough place have people questioned the power of GOD in your life? Maybe you've even questioned it yourself. "If You are real then why am I suffering?" "If You really loved me I wouldn't be here right now!" "Maybe I'm just not good enough for HIM to care what I am going through."
Let me point out that it was this point of suffering that released GOD's power. It wasn't the Resurrection that shook the earth, split rocks, or raised the dead. It was Jesus' death that did all that! And it was HIS death that moved hearts to that 'surely' place where GOD is GOD no matter what!
I guess this will end with a challenge...in your suffering, look for GOD's hand to move. Expect it. Anticipate it. And stand strong and wait for it. For surely, in GOD's world, there is power in suffering and life to be found in death.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Get Doing
We just started a new study at our church that is designed to help people identify their GOD given gifts and personality flavors so we can really identify where they will thrive best in the work of the church. Me, I have a pretty good idea who I am and how GOD has been using me, but I am still excited to go through this study. So, I admit, I peeked ahead.
I have read and been taught about GOD's gifts before, but I never saw them all organized into three groups before - listening/hearing gifts, speaking gifts, and doing gifts. Being in a Pentecostal church, I often see the listening and speaking gifts in use and see how powerfully they touch the lives of the ones who use these gifts and the ones who they are used for. But I haven't often seen the doing gifts in church - and I started wondering why this should be so. Are we just afraid? Do we think GOD can't do things like that anymore?
I think I am comfortable with the listening and speaking gifts because I'm a verbal person anyway. We all use words every day, we use our ears to hear every day, so these gifts are so natural to us we don't really think twice about GOD using us and gifting us in these ways. But to do miracles, to see healings happen, that is so much more involved than simple communication. And I think it's a little scarier to even try because if there isn't an actual something that happens, then we consider it a failure.
I've come to a conclusion about that - something can only happen if we walk out on that limb and at least try. If GOD gives me a word of knowledge (a hearing gift) to speak prophetically to someone (a speaking gift), then I do it. I hear and I speak and that is the extent of my obedience. If the person I am speaking to doesn't receive the words and there is no fruit from the transfer of communication, there is no blame on me - I did what I needed to do for GOD. So if I think GOD wants me to pray so someone can be healed, the same thing applies. My obedience is to pray in all the faith I have for that healing. But because there is a partnership between me and the person I am praying for, the results of that prayer are not completely on me. Whether or not the healing occurs is beside the point. I think the point of the gift of healing is simply knowing that GOD can do it and wants to do it and praying with confidence that HE will do it. The results, as with any gift, are up to HIM. All I can do is be faithful to pray.
So I guess I need to get doing.
I have read and been taught about GOD's gifts before, but I never saw them all organized into three groups before - listening/hearing gifts, speaking gifts, and doing gifts. Being in a Pentecostal church, I often see the listening and speaking gifts in use and see how powerfully they touch the lives of the ones who use these gifts and the ones who they are used for. But I haven't often seen the doing gifts in church - and I started wondering why this should be so. Are we just afraid? Do we think GOD can't do things like that anymore?
I think I am comfortable with the listening and speaking gifts because I'm a verbal person anyway. We all use words every day, we use our ears to hear every day, so these gifts are so natural to us we don't really think twice about GOD using us and gifting us in these ways. But to do miracles, to see healings happen, that is so much more involved than simple communication. And I think it's a little scarier to even try because if there isn't an actual something that happens, then we consider it a failure.
I've come to a conclusion about that - something can only happen if we walk out on that limb and at least try. If GOD gives me a word of knowledge (a hearing gift) to speak prophetically to someone (a speaking gift), then I do it. I hear and I speak and that is the extent of my obedience. If the person I am speaking to doesn't receive the words and there is no fruit from the transfer of communication, there is no blame on me - I did what I needed to do for GOD. So if I think GOD wants me to pray so someone can be healed, the same thing applies. My obedience is to pray in all the faith I have for that healing. But because there is a partnership between me and the person I am praying for, the results of that prayer are not completely on me. Whether or not the healing occurs is beside the point. I think the point of the gift of healing is simply knowing that GOD can do it and wants to do it and praying with confidence that HE will do it. The results, as with any gift, are up to HIM. All I can do is be faithful to pray.
So I guess I need to get doing.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Another Lesson My Kids Taught
Man, I miss my kids!
They have been vacationing with my parents for almost three weeks and the quiet is almost as nerve-wracking now as their bickering was before they left. Strange how that happens.
I am sure they are having too much fun to really miss me. Since my parents are both retired, they are free to play at the park, go to the beach, paint ceramics, teach crochet, give tennis lessons, take frequent trips to the library, go to the movies, take walks by the river (though too cold to swim), and a multitude of other things active grandparents do whenever they want to do it.
But when it's important, my kids call me. My daughter had a mini-crisis during her visit. A perfectly normal growing up milemarker, but something that can be really scary or unsettling for the first time, picked that visit to begin. And she refused to talk to anyone else. Not her sister, not her loving Pama, only her mom would do. My husband and I were able to talk and pray her through it and she is once again the happy young woman who enjoys painting her nails and pestering her siblings. But it made clear one more facet of faith.
See, I often feel totally alone when going through something I see as crisis. Sometimes (okay, honestly, it's most of the time) I will isolate myself in troubling times, like my daughter closed herself away from everyone around her. I think it's part of our nature to hide any weaknesses. But when the only tiny teardrop of faith I can muster is thrown out as a prayer, even if it's only to ask GOD to get other people to pray for me 'cause I can't find the faith, strength, or words, HE answers. HE bolsters. HE encourages and gives courage. HE lends HIS strength. And HE talks me through it, HIS peace encircling everything. Even if I can't feel HIM act or answer, the faith found to even speak the words multiplies and grows. Speaking in faith, even if it's a desperate cry, increases faith, because you have to believe that Someone is listening. And if there's Someone on the other end listening, then you're never as alone as you think.
One night in tears, I prayed that GOD would get people to pray for me. I didn't have the words, and I was crying too hard to speak much between the sobs. The next day one of the prayer warrior ladies from our church asked how I was doing. I knew she must have been led to pray for me. GOD is faithful. In every answer, for every prayer, HE hears and answers. Even if the prayer is only a thought between tears.
They have been vacationing with my parents for almost three weeks and the quiet is almost as nerve-wracking now as their bickering was before they left. Strange how that happens.
I am sure they are having too much fun to really miss me. Since my parents are both retired, they are free to play at the park, go to the beach, paint ceramics, teach crochet, give tennis lessons, take frequent trips to the library, go to the movies, take walks by the river (though too cold to swim), and a multitude of other things active grandparents do whenever they want to do it.
But when it's important, my kids call me. My daughter had a mini-crisis during her visit. A perfectly normal growing up milemarker, but something that can be really scary or unsettling for the first time, picked that visit to begin. And she refused to talk to anyone else. Not her sister, not her loving Pama, only her mom would do. My husband and I were able to talk and pray her through it and she is once again the happy young woman who enjoys painting her nails and pestering her siblings. But it made clear one more facet of faith.
See, I often feel totally alone when going through something I see as crisis. Sometimes (okay, honestly, it's most of the time) I will isolate myself in troubling times, like my daughter closed herself away from everyone around her. I think it's part of our nature to hide any weaknesses. But when the only tiny teardrop of faith I can muster is thrown out as a prayer, even if it's only to ask GOD to get other people to pray for me 'cause I can't find the faith, strength, or words, HE answers. HE bolsters. HE encourages and gives courage. HE lends HIS strength. And HE talks me through it, HIS peace encircling everything. Even if I can't feel HIM act or answer, the faith found to even speak the words multiplies and grows. Speaking in faith, even if it's a desperate cry, increases faith, because you have to believe that Someone is listening. And if there's Someone on the other end listening, then you're never as alone as you think.
One night in tears, I prayed that GOD would get people to pray for me. I didn't have the words, and I was crying too hard to speak much between the sobs. The next day one of the prayer warrior ladies from our church asked how I was doing. I knew she must have been led to pray for me. GOD is faithful. In every answer, for every prayer, HE hears and answers. Even if the prayer is only a thought between tears.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Circular Laughter
My niece is at that really fun age where she can talk and walk, but it's all still pretty new to her. She's two. One day she came running into the room and continued running around the room in circles, laughing and giggling the whole time. It was contagious and I found myself giggling too. When I asked her where she was going, she laughed again and said, "I on't know." Then she was done running.
I felt a little letdown as she found something else to do, her joyous running finished. I guess she figured if there was no goal, then there was no reason to get there in a hurry.
Then it dawned on me - how many times have I found myself in the same situation?
I run to do things to please people, I run to please GOD, I run to...sometimes I don't even know. I usually figure it out when I run smack into the metaphoric wall. Ouch.
Sometimes there's joy and fun in the running. I like the pats on the backs and the thank you's, I enjoy the appreciation that comes from a task completed. But I know that I often run in circles with no direction, no purpose, and if I'm honest, no joy, and I do it because I think I have to. I feel the need to keep moving, to 'keep up', and to let everyone know how important and vital I am because I am so very busy. Circles. Meaningless circles - watch out for the wall!
So GOD, keep me focused and directed. Let my running be for a purpose, Your purpose, and when I start making too many left turns (circles) help me to see the looming wall before I get lost in dizziness or hurt by the sudden stop. And GOD, if it's not too much to ask, giggle with me when I don't know the answers.
I felt a little letdown as she found something else to do, her joyous running finished. I guess she figured if there was no goal, then there was no reason to get there in a hurry.
Then it dawned on me - how many times have I found myself in the same situation?
I run to do things to please people, I run to please GOD, I run to...sometimes I don't even know. I usually figure it out when I run smack into the metaphoric wall. Ouch.
Sometimes there's joy and fun in the running. I like the pats on the backs and the thank you's, I enjoy the appreciation that comes from a task completed. But I know that I often run in circles with no direction, no purpose, and if I'm honest, no joy, and I do it because I think I have to. I feel the need to keep moving, to 'keep up', and to let everyone know how important and vital I am because I am so very busy. Circles. Meaningless circles - watch out for the wall!
So GOD, keep me focused and directed. Let my running be for a purpose, Your purpose, and when I start making too many left turns (circles) help me to see the looming wall before I get lost in dizziness or hurt by the sudden stop. And GOD, if it's not too much to ask, giggle with me when I don't know the answers.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
'Knee'ded a Reminder
I love my husband, despite that fact that our age difference has made him much more mature than me (even despite the fact that girls mature faster - LOL). So when I finally broke down and went to the doctor about the pain in my knees, I was horrified to find out it was a degenerative condition like arthritis, and not an injury. My husband, wit that he is, said, 'Great. Here I thought I married this young hottie only to find out that you're REALLY older than me. I want a refund.' Ha ha ha, honey! Thanks!
But while I face possible surgery and future knee replacements, (and a witty husband!) one of our teens was diagnosed with lymphoma. He turned 18 the next day. He is an amazing young man, full of optimism and determination, even now almost two months into the fight. He has already written his testimony thanking GOD for completely healing him from this cancer. WOW. Kinda cut my little pity-party short (thank goodness!).
I guess no matter how bad you have it, someone always has it worse, and you can always find something to be thankful for.
But while I face possible surgery and future knee replacements, (and a witty husband!) one of our teens was diagnosed with lymphoma. He turned 18 the next day. He is an amazing young man, full of optimism and determination, even now almost two months into the fight. He has already written his testimony thanking GOD for completely healing him from this cancer. WOW. Kinda cut my little pity-party short (thank goodness!).
I guess no matter how bad you have it, someone always has it worse, and you can always find something to be thankful for.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Daddy's Little Girl
My lovely daughter, whom I carried and gave birth to, whom I loved and cherished, fed and changed, clothed and listened to for all eleven years of her life, has become someone I'm not sure I recognize.
She is taller, so much taller, nearly to my nose now. She has asked to shave her armpits AND her legs, and actually needs a bra, not just for the social aspect, but for the support. And her mind - the girl is as smart as a whip and takes after her practical-joking father.
Just yesterday, she was making us lunch (her specialty, cheese quesadillas) and I asked her to make sure her dad's was made first and that he would get two. I saw her put them on a plate and start spreading the cheese. I left his lunch in good dependable hands, so I was shocked and confused when he asked me why he doesn't get to eat as I settle down to munch on mine. I couldn't even form words in my confusion. "Huh?" was the only brilliant sound I could utter. Then as he complained of hunger and neglect, I recalled seeing his plate. I KNEW he had his meal first. So I told him so. And I reached out to my daughter, the same one who did the making, to verify that he had already eaten his. She looked me in the eye and said she hadn't made his yet.
I was dumbfounded. My innocent little girl was full of impish delight and couldn't stop smiling at the delectable little joke she hadn't planned with her dad, but that had teamed them up anyway.
I feel I am now on my own. Hmph.
She is taller, so much taller, nearly to my nose now. She has asked to shave her armpits AND her legs, and actually needs a bra, not just for the social aspect, but for the support. And her mind - the girl is as smart as a whip and takes after her practical-joking father.
Just yesterday, she was making us lunch (her specialty, cheese quesadillas) and I asked her to make sure her dad's was made first and that he would get two. I saw her put them on a plate and start spreading the cheese. I left his lunch in good dependable hands, so I was shocked and confused when he asked me why he doesn't get to eat as I settle down to munch on mine. I couldn't even form words in my confusion. "Huh?" was the only brilliant sound I could utter. Then as he complained of hunger and neglect, I recalled seeing his plate. I KNEW he had his meal first. So I told him so. And I reached out to my daughter, the same one who did the making, to verify that he had already eaten his. She looked me in the eye and said she hadn't made his yet.
I was dumbfounded. My innocent little girl was full of impish delight and couldn't stop smiling at the delectable little joke she hadn't planned with her dad, but that had teamed them up anyway.
I feel I am now on my own. Hmph.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Staying Home
I am a homeschooling mom and have been since my oldest turned five (she is almost twelve). I have actually been out of the workforce officially for 11 years! Since my husband was out of work for a temporary health issue, I had to update my resume and it shocked me that it has been over a decade since I brought home an actual, taxable paycheck. YIKES! Who would hire someone with that giant crater of a missing work history? But I learned a neat little trick to filling in the gaps from someone who helps people like me get back in the work force - you can include volunteer work! YAY! Problem solved (for me anyway - I have volunteered a lot at my church through the years).
But it did raise the question - why is it that being a stay-home mom makes people think you have all this spare time for all their other projects? Why do people think I am always at home? Why does staying home to run a household hinder your return to the workplace (it should be a benefit - think of all the different hats you have to wear as a full-time mom - wake-up call, maid, nanny, chef, secretary, office manager, day care provider, nutritionist, teacher, principal, repair AND maintenance, plumber, doctor, nurse, drywaller, painter, chef AGAIN, dishwasher, busboy, hostess, laundress, housekeeping, and all of it organized and efficient enough to fit inside of a 24 hour period and repeated EVERY DAY!!) With all of that experience I should be on every employers wish list!
So I am faced with a complete change of lifestyle for my family. Will I be the sole provider now, while dad does the homeschooling? Or perhaps we will send the kids to school and be a two-income family for a change? It's possible the husband will be able to provide as before once he is better, and then things will be as before, but I am realizing I am open to whichever direction GOD decides is best for the family. I wasn't always able to say that. I am glad I can now.
But it did raise the question - why is it that being a stay-home mom makes people think you have all this spare time for all their other projects? Why do people think I am always at home? Why does staying home to run a household hinder your return to the workplace (it should be a benefit - think of all the different hats you have to wear as a full-time mom - wake-up call, maid, nanny, chef, secretary, office manager, day care provider, nutritionist, teacher, principal, repair AND maintenance, plumber, doctor, nurse, drywaller, painter, chef AGAIN, dishwasher, busboy, hostess, laundress, housekeeping, and all of it organized and efficient enough to fit inside of a 24 hour period and repeated EVERY DAY!!) With all of that experience I should be on every employers wish list!
So I am faced with a complete change of lifestyle for my family. Will I be the sole provider now, while dad does the homeschooling? Or perhaps we will send the kids to school and be a two-income family for a change? It's possible the husband will be able to provide as before once he is better, and then things will be as before, but I am realizing I am open to whichever direction GOD decides is best for the family. I wasn't always able to say that. I am glad I can now.
Speaking of Dreams...
My husband had a dream last night that effected him tremendously. He dreamed I cheated on him.
And not just the infidelity. He said that in the dream the new guy was the "love of my life" and "my whole heart". He woke up at three am ready to fight!
Lucky for me, he realized it was a dream enough to let me sleep a little longer, even though he never did fall back to sleep himself. Every time he closed his eyes the scenes would replay. When I woke up and he told me what happened, I told him it was just a nightmare and ridiculous that I could even THINK of anyone else. I tried to reason with him, saying it was just a dream, a horrible nightmare sure, but not real at all. But because it was so very vivid, he couldn't shake the emotions that it stirred up inside.
So dreams versus reality...in this case the dream nearly won. He was so hurt by this dream that he was really hurt in real, waking life. How can you convince someone of something that doesn't exist when they feel it so strongly?
Nope, no answers here...but lots of reassurance from me gradually pulled him back to the world of light. GOD protect his dreams!
And not just the infidelity. He said that in the dream the new guy was the "love of my life" and "my whole heart". He woke up at three am ready to fight!
Lucky for me, he realized it was a dream enough to let me sleep a little longer, even though he never did fall back to sleep himself. Every time he closed his eyes the scenes would replay. When I woke up and he told me what happened, I told him it was just a nightmare and ridiculous that I could even THINK of anyone else. I tried to reason with him, saying it was just a dream, a horrible nightmare sure, but not real at all. But because it was so very vivid, he couldn't shake the emotions that it stirred up inside.
So dreams versus reality...in this case the dream nearly won. He was so hurt by this dream that he was really hurt in real, waking life. How can you convince someone of something that doesn't exist when they feel it so strongly?
Nope, no answers here...but lots of reassurance from me gradually pulled him back to the world of light. GOD protect his dreams!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Dreaming Again
What does it mean when you've had a set-aside dream resurrected?
Ever since I was young, I have dreamed of being a published writer. Reality set in, choices were made, and while I have never regretted being a full-time mom, devoted wife, and youth pastor alongside my husband, I have never buried that dream. I always figured it would be for that wondrous someday, that far-off undefined time when life offers up the freedom in my schedule I would need for something that seems like a fun option. But it has really started gnawing on my heart and mind these last few weeks in such a way that I think NOW might be the time, even though time hasn't changed. I'm still busy with all those other things that I still feel should come first. So what has changed?
I think sometimes we are tested to see how much we REALLY want to fulfill the dreams of our youth. Are we going to cling to them, truly holding on for the someday, or are we going to let them slip away and die, reminiscing only in the wisp of an idea of what I could have done? Some people, the ones I can really admire, have such singlemindedness that they live their entire lives in the fulfillment of the dream. For me it wasn't practical - I'm not convinced I am talented enough to have made a career out of writing. It was too uncertain for me to strive for it in that way. Bravo to those who can! But now I feel the old dream resurfacing...and I can feel the same excitement with an added measure of maturity.
I think that's what I was waiting for...the maturity and confidence that comes with a few extra years of experience.
Ever since I was young, I have dreamed of being a published writer. Reality set in, choices were made, and while I have never regretted being a full-time mom, devoted wife, and youth pastor alongside my husband, I have never buried that dream. I always figured it would be for that wondrous someday, that far-off undefined time when life offers up the freedom in my schedule I would need for something that seems like a fun option. But it has really started gnawing on my heart and mind these last few weeks in such a way that I think NOW might be the time, even though time hasn't changed. I'm still busy with all those other things that I still feel should come first. So what has changed?
I think sometimes we are tested to see how much we REALLY want to fulfill the dreams of our youth. Are we going to cling to them, truly holding on for the someday, or are we going to let them slip away and die, reminiscing only in the wisp of an idea of what I could have done? Some people, the ones I can really admire, have such singlemindedness that they live their entire lives in the fulfillment of the dream. For me it wasn't practical - I'm not convinced I am talented enough to have made a career out of writing. It was too uncertain for me to strive for it in that way. Bravo to those who can! But now I feel the old dream resurfacing...and I can feel the same excitement with an added measure of maturity.
I think that's what I was waiting for...the maturity and confidence that comes with a few extra years of experience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
