Hidden

So, big question...as a mom of tweenagers, where do I draw the line between the quest to fulfill my dreams and the journey to raise my kids? I am not a great multi-tasker (I know, most moms are, but I was not blessed with that talent). I need focus or nothing will ever be fully accomplished (like dinner - distract me and I will forget to even start the side dishes until the entree is on the table!) So I have been focusing on being a mom. I stay home with them, we have chosen to homeschool them (at least for now), and making sure they are growing into responsible adults has been my main goal and purpose for living since they were conceived. I make mistakes (more distractions!) but they are good kids, so something is going right.

But just the other day my husband asked me why I wasn't pursuing my dream of writing. Well, duh, I said (so eloquently) I am busy with the current goal of making sure they stay alive until adulthood. They need food and clothes and someone to take away the hammer when they threaten to use it on each other. But, he so wisely points out, GOD has called and gifted you for more than just that. True, HE has. But I have been content working at this job. After all, it is a temp job. I will have time for my dreams when it is accomplished. And even Jesus had His hidden years.

We know a little about HIS childhood. We see HIM again at twelve. Then HE is hidden until HE is about thirty, when HIS ministry begins in full. HIS dreams, HIS purpose...they were put on pause, even though HE thought HE was ready, because it wasn't the right time (and maybe even because HIS mom wasn't quite ready to let go). But when HE begins, it's HIS mom who sets it all up and the time is right. (Moms can be very influential). HIS hidden years are over.

So I am waiting. I am working, and I am learning in these, my hidden years. I don't feel as though they are wasted, and I am looking forward to a writing career, something I can focus on more fully when my kids are fully grown, living dreams of their own. That way there is no division of my time or attentions, and I can be the best mom, then the best writer, I can be without the tug of war of neglect.

Besides, what better fodder for writing than the antics of kids?

A Flower Metaphor...Really?

Ahhh, the summer heat has finally arrived in my neck of the woods...I'm not thrilled. I live in a desert. I have fair skin. Surely now you can see the reason for my lack of enthusiasm. But I can't deny the great feeling of the backyard BBQ, the smell of charcoal grills and roasting meat wafting through the air, mixing sweetly with the scent of ripe watermelons and heady alfalfa grasses. Country life has its charms, even for this suburb kind of gal.

Which brings me to my point - we may have our own desires and are made to thrive more readily in certain environments, but we can bloom anywhere.

I grew up in a city famous for its rainy, cloudy days. I loved the overcast sky like I loved my cozy blanket. There is still nothing more comforting to me than the sound of rain beating heavily on my roof while I sip hot chocolate on the couch. But when GOD calls, HE also stretches. I was called to minister in the desert. Now I could have called GOD crazy and refused, citing my fair skin and red hair as perfect reasons not to go, but I would have missed so much! GOD has lifted me from the background support I have always been to my husband, to a partner in the ministry. HE has increased the gifts and talents that, honestly, I had forsaken while in the beautiful mountains, to the point that HE nearly took those talents away. I have increased in my friendships, gained new teachers, acquired new students, and stepped up in my faith. HE could have done this in the mountains. GOD is big enough that HE can do whatever HE wants anywhere. But for me, it took the desert. I am stubborn and I guess HE wanted to get my attention.

I am blooming. I didn't think I'd ever be where I am now. I never even tried to be. Guess that's why I was called to the desert. It takes a shift of focus, a shaking, to move us from one safe, sturdy, comfortable pot to the spacious garden outside. But we can bloom anywhere HE chooses to plant us - even if we are thirsty flowers in the desert - we will learn to trust HIM for the rain on a deeper level than possible to learn had we stayed in the rainforest. Trusting HIM to do the impossible every time HE meets our needs. Yep, I am blooming. Are you?

Yes and No

GOD is such a big GOD. I learned today a little bit more about how big HE is. HE is sooo big that even HIS no answers, HIS silence, or what we perceive as the lack of HIS presence can move as many mountains as HIS powerful YES!

I was a little concerned about a young woman in our church. I wanted to go and comfort and was thinking about doing just that, pondering what I should say (I may be a little crazy, but I kinda rehearse conversations in my head in advance - just being honest!). But GOD said "No". I, of course, said "What?" It seemed like such a good and GOD-ly thing to do. I mean, really, it was comfort. But because of the position this woman is in because of her choices, GOD said no. I pressed HIM. I am a stubborn woman and I admit it. No is not my favorite answer. But HE showed me! HIS no is as powerful as HIS yes. HE can do just as much with silence as HE can with thunder. And HE let me know in no uncertain terms, that HIS plan for this woman was for me to be silent so HE could work. So HE could do the job (without me getting in the way!)

Now I am still a little hard-headed and it takes a lot to get through sometimes (and this trait has to work side by side with my reluctance to change), so I almost didn't accept that explanation. But then I saw HIS no answer in action. Another woman was considering separating from her husband (it was an internal battle she hadn't discussed with anyone yet). I felt the urge to tell her what GOD had shown me about the power in HIS no answers, the magnitude of HIS silence. I told her this may be a 'no' time in her life right now. She cried and felt GOD had given her the answer - to stay put in her marriage and let HIM work.

Seeing the power of HIS no give a marriage a second chance was convincing. Who am I to have a problem if HE decides 'no' is the better answer? Who am I to force HIM to answer at all when the lesson has to be learned in the silence of waiting? Lord, have Your way in me. Keep teaching me the truth of who You are and how You work. Even if You have to teach it through Your silence.

Offensive Bait

Offense. That's one word with a brilliant realm of meaning. Just in my mind I picture football teams, strategy tables, armies, knights jousting, armor & swordplay, unforgiveness, bitterness, and white pickets - it's a fence after all (that last one is kinda random, I know, but that's just how my mind works). There are so many ways to define offense and so many shades within those meanings that it seems a little overwhelming to break it down into manageable chunks. So I'll focus on the churchy part, since that's what our ladies Bible study is focusing on for the summer.

We've started the book The Bait of satan (lowercase there is on purpose, people)and it's by John Bevere. It's basically about offenses, how easy they are to acquire, and the damage they do to our personal selves and our body as a whole. Since we've started this study, (two weeks ago) we've been pretty offended as a group (especially a group of ladies - you know I'm right!). One wise woman pointed out that we are not any more offended than before the study began, we are just more focused on the offenses and see them for what they are. Sure, I can buy that. But if we know they are there and see them for what they are, why do they still happen? Why isn't it any easier to disarm the enemy since we can clearly see his plans for division? Why are we such suckers for a good row? And why is forgiveness so hard?

Well, these are the things we're learning. Step one (see we skipped to the back of the book so we could get some basic tools to help us fight the bait of offense) is to recognize the offense. Sometimes we don't admit we are carrying it, sometimes we don't even know we are holding on to hurts. So we have to be aware. I think as a group we are there.

Step two is forgiving. Not always as easy to do as it is to spell. Sometimes GOD is gracious and takes all the pain, hurt, and anger straight out of our hearts so forgiveness is quick and painless. Most of the time, though, forgiving is a hard choice we must force ourselves to choose day-by-day, and sometimes even moment-by-moment. Keep in mind, too, that forgiveness is NOT an emotion and you won't feel like you've accomplished that task. Sometimes forgiveness involves actually thinking about what you are thinking about so you can catch those unforgiving thoughts before they become anchored in your brain again.

Step three I don't remember. But I hope you won't you be offended. I am still learning from this book and hope to take a lot more home with me than what you've seen so far.